New Normal

Things will never be the same. How could they be after losing someone you love so much? I won’t lie I do struggle with this whole grieving process, but maybe that’s the beauty of the whole thing. I might not realize it just quite yet, but I’m making strides. I thought that it was going to be easier than what it is, and that I’d cry for a few weeks (maybe months) and then things would get back to normal. But what is normal? There really is no such thing. At least I don’t think so. And how could things go back to the way they were with such an important piece of the puzzle missing? I’ve been looking for answers. Wondering why and how life is the way it is. Long story short- I didn’t find any mind boggling answers… I just found more questions. I ended up reading a book about mourning and how you need to give yourself permission to go on that journey. It also talked about how it will hurt and be a struggle, but it will be worth it. The book was an eye opener for me. I haven’t been giving myself that permission. I’ve been running from my feelings and closing myself off. Maybe that explains why I’ve been so worn out lately! (And it’s resulted in some serious sandbagging at the gym.) It’s frustrating as hell! I honestly have grown to love working out. It’s therapy for me. I wake up looking forward to being in the gym, and that’s a great feeling. I was trying to talk my Dad into getting back in the gym a few weeks before he passed away. Creeping in the back of my mind is the thought that maybe if I would have gotten him back in the gym sooner that he might still be here. Maybe if I would have pushed the subject a little harder, then he’d still be here. I have to quit thinking like this, and quit beating myself up for something I had no control of to begin with. The book also talked about inner strength.  The kind that helps you get up after you’ve been taken out at the knees. The kind that helps you decide that you are worth it, and that you can keep going even though the only thing you really want to do is give up. The book talked about not knowing how strong you really are, which is true. I’ve been unaware of my own strength all this time. I’ve learned and accepted that it is perfectly fine to be a strong independent woman. (In fact it’s kind of encouraged now) It’s taken a lot for that strength to build and this girl is proud of what she has! Shortly after I started working out at the gym I would catch myself looking around at all of the signs hanging on the walls. I would get lost in thought because of those dang things because each one of them had such a powerful message. I couldn’t help it. One was about how women shouldn’t be afraid of being strong. We shouldn’t fear our own strength, and that because we are strong men won’t like/be attracted to us. My Dad used to say the something similar to me. I would tell him in high school that I didn’t want to lift heavy weights because I was afraid I’d get bulky and none of the boys would like me. I could also probably put lift a lot more than the boys I went to high school with. I’m freakishly strong. My Dad Would then tell me that there’s nothing wrong with being strong and if a boy couldn’t handle my strength then he didn’t deserve to be around me in the first place. That sign at the gym..it was meant for me. Just another reminder that my inner strength is going to grow through out this process as much as my physical strength. That’s amazing to me.

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